Anniversary

I died a year ago today.

I cannot count the ways in which the word 'died' applies.

Physically, emotionally, potentially.

An entire future blown away in an instant of 'I'm sorry'.

Yes, I had seen that look before, but

Somehow had managed to pull you back

From the edge

With a pledge

That if you kissed me ever again you'd better

Never let go

Don't say you weren't warned.

My reaction was not even close to a woman scorned

because, fool that I am, I loved you. Yes.

My heart beat on, weak and distraught

but not a tear did I shed for the pain that you wrought

and ravaged on my being in every sense of the word.

Blame doesn't even come into it.

Feel and remember as I do, yet what do I do now?

In this moment, in this place, in this 'new life'

that I've made for myself: What am I to do?

This longing for comfort, for warmth, for Something, anything I reckognise

puts thought in my head, things so unwise.

Like fucking a coworker just to feel the weight,

and the effects of big strong hands.

One night stands are for the faint hearted

and my beat is coming loud and clear.

A single step.

A flash of winter in my approach to summer, you are.
Snow glittering on the pavement, melting in the road.
Cars drive fast, over my neck, as I walk away
Away.

Away from the memory of the moment, of the movement
Trying so hard to walk, not run, away.

Planes fly so fast above white clouds
and blue skys, through the stars
But even stars cast a shadow.

The memory of the moment, of the pressure, receding
I missed, I hated, I longed for, I ache.

Halfway around the world.
Now it's you turn to run. Don't walk.
The rest of the way.
All the way back into me.

Smoke and Mirrors

You were my sweetest downfall.
Sweet like the sugar in my coffee
Too much quickens the heart,
sends shooting pains through the legs
and dizzies the head.
I dread the day we meet again.
I will always remember when
my whole being was yours
and I gave myself over to desire and greed and
self-preservation and lust and fear and envy and
You were my sweetest downfall.
Sweet like the chocolate on my cake
that sends chemicals rushing through my blood
and flood my brain with an illusion of being in love.
From dizzying heights my heart would take flight
taking dives towards knives that would cut and slice
Mental scars and the shards of broken mirrors
left in my chest, knowing what's best for me
despite my own struck perspective that I may have been all you needed me to be
if only I'd let you be and if you'd let yourself be happy.

You were my sweetest downfall.
Falling down from a place too high to catch
my breath or a glimpse of the beauty for the brightness
blinding me to the truth within your blackest eyes.
YOU were my sweetest downfall.
Sweet like the wine that pushes the blood tearing through
the neck you bit down on in passion and desire.
All an illusion. Just false hopes and empty threats
of the loss of something never possessed.